Saint Monica's Prayer Network

Wearing the veil

2007-06-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

God come to my assistance. Lord make haste to help me. Oh Sacred Heart of Jesus I trust in You.
I learned something today that I did not know. I can honestly say that in my almost 51 years I did not know that the church did not ok the non-use of the veil. I learned it from someone who is very knowledgeable and he gave me a paper on it. I told him that I have struggled with this for years and no one has been able to answer my question on the matter. It would seem that the powers that be have said nothing because they don't think the matter is worth the fight it would cause. According to my source it would be better if we the women of the church just quietly began to wear the veil and educate others quietly.
I am all for wearing the veil after the reason for doing so was explained to me. In fact I have one that I found at a thrift store hanging up with the pillow cases and place mats and I have a small one called a veil cap that I am planning to wear for prayers in side and out side of the church when Mass is not being said. Why this renewed interest you might ask? I'll explain; yesterday while participating in the Mass I was over come with such a feeling of love that I began to weep. The type of weeping that comes on all of a sudden and streams of tears just run down your cheeks. This morning I was asked to help distribute the Holy Body of Christ and as I did that feeling came again but the tears did not instead I found my self trembling ever so slightly. Then I attended a meeting for the Militia Immaculata of which I am a member and during the reflection time many things came up and one was centered on the veil. Now I have been struggling as I said for years about this should I or shouldn't I and one of the wives at the diaconate always wore hers at Mass and she was a convert from Mormonism. The rest of us cradle catholics didn't think anything of it and we neither questioned her about it or commented on it.
I was told that the misunderstanding came during the time of Vatican II when a reporter asked a Bishop about women wearing the veil and he commented that the subject was not discussed so the reporter then printed his story stating that women no longer had to wear the veil and women began to abandon the custom. Actually my mother never believed she should get rid of her veil so she did continue to wear it. It would appear that when the radical feminist became vocal the the veil became a symbol of servitude in the negative sense and when word got around that it was no longer necessary they felt that they had one a small victory over the male dominated church. Another misconception as well. They felt that it made women second class in the church. In fact NOW was recommending that all head coverings should be burned publicly in protest. Oh what a tangled web we weave. One of my favorite songs is called "The Servant Song" well actually there are two The Servant Song and just "Servant Song" but the words are similar. The ones I am thinking of are -- Won't you let me be your servant let me be as Christ to you pray that I may have the Grace to let you be my servant too.--- Now don't you see the irony. We are called to be servants of Christ a high honor we are not worthy of and yet the symbol that shows our obedience and servitude is no longer a part of our lives. It isn't about being less than a man or about not being good enough. A women was chosen to be the New Arc of the Covenant because no man could do it. We each have our part to play and if we can't be servants to each other how can we ever hope to be servants to God? It's goes back to what I wrote last night it isn't about us it's about Christ and his Church of which we are the body it is about a LOVE so strong and so big that it can't be understood unless we were to die on a cross the way Jesus did. Yes I am going to wear my veil again and my prayer cap and I have six more prayer caps if anyone wants them? I put it to my group we should put caps and veils in the gathering space just like we do the rosaries so if someone should see us wearing a veil and would like to do so they will be there for their use. Thank goodness I am still open to learn and re-learn the beauty of my religion. So if you see me with my veil on and you ask me why I am wearing it I will tell you with all my heart because I love Jesus and I want to show him that I am not afraid to belong to him and when I say I love the Lord with my whole heart, my whole mind and my whole soul it will be more than words it will really mean something.

Your Will Be Done Not Mine

2007-06-10T21:53:00.000-06:00

May the Lord Protect us from evil and may His face always shine upon us and may He deliver us from harm.

My thoughts for this evening are along the lines of the title of this entry. I had a discussion with my husband not too long ago about natural family planning you see it is my theory that the church allows it for two reasons; one it doesn't involve any unnatural means of preventing pregnancy and two it does promote a loving bond between husband and wife by teaching them that there are other ways to enjoy each other besides sexual intercourse. The problem that I have with it is that it still lets the couple be in control of how many children they will have and when they will have them. Now when a couple marries they are asked in the ceremony if they will accept any and all children that God sends them and they respond yes. Then they proceed to do it their way. They maintain control over their reproductive organs and God well he understands after all who wants to end up with 20 or so kids and at the wrong time in a career or whatever else they are into. See I think the situation is just like back in Moses' day when the people wanted to be able to divorce their wives and Moses's gave directions on how to do so but the problem was that when Jesus was on the scene at a much latter date he tells the people that Moses' should never have allowed divorce because as we find out there is a direct correlation between the relationship of man and women and God's relationship to us. Husband and wife are the living example of the oneness and unity that God wants to have with us. Now don't get me wrong I used NFP to let me know when I was most fertile then I let God do the rest and I have stories about the importance of letting God tell me when a child would be born and why it was important that the child come into the world. God and I had a special bond that way because I was listening to him. You see when I was a teenager I almost lost my ability to have children because of a Doctors neglect. God saved me from that fate because as I came to see latter the children I was to bring into the world had and have a purpose of his design. This hit home hard when we were visiting St.Padre Pio's center in P.A. last week. A lady at the information desk told me a story about how Pardre Pio could read into a persons heart, how God told him things about each person who went to confession to him. This story was about a women who went to confession and at the end she was asked if she had told Padre Pio everything and she said yes. He sent her away to think and pray about her answer and come again the next day. For three days this went on finally Padre Pio told her that she was holding back the fact that when she was younger she had an abortion. The woman was astounded and respond with a how did you know it was a secret that only I and my mother knew about. To which the Padre answered God knows. Then he told her the child was to become a Cardinal. Now you might think that he just made that up but there is another story when Padre Pio met a young priest from Poland and told him he would be Pope. So you decide if he made it up or not. The point is that God has a plan for each of us and if that plan includes marriage and children then we really should leave it in his hands to do what he will with us. I don't know how many times I have heard the argument about planning a family so that the mother isn't pregnant every year and ends up with 12 kids. God wanted five for me and that is what I had. One did not live long but he too had his purpose in his short little life. Because with God nothing and no one is wasted. A beautiful woman that I met recently told me another story about a little six year old girl who ended up in the child welfare system in her state. And since she happens to work in that system she experienced this story first hand. It goes something like this; It was part of her job to pick this child up from school and take her back to the center. On the way from school the little girl saw a church and said out loud as children are wont to do, That is where God lives. Then she asked the lady if she believed in God. The Lady said yes she did indeed believe in God but she knew she couldn't say to much more about it because there are rules about that. The little girl then went on to tell the Lady about her encounter with God. It happened before she was born, she said that God held her and told her, her life would be a hard one but not to lose hope because he would always be with her. Now the Lady knew that this little girls mother was a meths addict and the child had been pushed around the system for most of her short life and she didn't think that the child had much exposure to religion or church yet she could tell that the child was sincere and believed strongly in what she said. It sent chills down her spine. This Lady believes that each of us are sent on our journey with a message from our creator. Some of us don't need to hang on to it so eventually it is forgotten, others hold on to it longer because there is a need and some hold on to it forever because there is a bond of love that exist between them and the creator. We always think that God is all powerful when we need him to cure us or help us in some way but we don't think of trusting him with the little things the every day life experience things. We don't think he has time or can handle what we can control ourselves. This type of thinking limits God and we miss out on having a relationship with the one who Loves us best. The Priest today talked about our relationship with God in the Eucharist, he talked about how we dress when we come to Mass, how we act. People always say oh he doesn't care what you wear as long as you show up. Ok. Say that was true after you showed up a few more times don't you think you should adjust your attitude a bit and come more reverently? Who is the most important person in your life if not God and as Father pointed out if you were invited to the White House for dinner would you show up in your workout attire or would you go right from a soccer game? Or would you show up in soccer attire and leave early to get to a game?
This then brings me back to my original thought; If you truly accept God in your life and receive the Eucharist why then don't you trust him enought to guide you and lead you where he wants you to go?
Nothing in this life is perfect. And sometimes I struggle with the way my children act and the fact that they stopped going to church. But I found out that no matter where I go in my travels I am not alone. The number of people who are praying for their children to return to the church is astounding. The evil one has his hold on them and we have to flood heaven with our prayers so he won't win and trust that God will collect all his way ward children.
Well I've got to go for now so until next time.
May the Lord Bless us, protect us from evil and bring us to everlasting life.
Amen

Let the Holy Spirit take over.

2007-03-29T12:46:00.000-06:00

Dear God, I am ready to let you take control of my life. Come Lord Jesus open my eyes and heal my heart. Amen
On March 17th my choir group held a mini retreat at the house of one of our members. A good time was had by all and a lot of growth took place. we talked about what music ministry means to us and how important being apart of something outside ourselves was important to our spiritual growth. This is a group of people who came together as strangers and bonded to become more than friends. This is a group that likes to sing and likes to sing with one another there is no competition among the members and that in it self is refreshing. We come together with a common purpose and that is to give back to God and share with our fellow christians the Love that we feel for our Lord and Savior. This group keeps me grounded and strong in my faith because they are such positive examples in my life. I was chosen to give a talk about our theme for the retreat which was based on the song Open My Eyes, I like this song very much and often use it as a prayer meditation so I was elated when I was asked to give the bible part of the day. I found that the song was based on the Gospel of Mark and I began my search for the deeper meaning of the text. What I found was truly an eye opener. And I will share what I discovered here; Mark wraps his presentation of Jesus in the robe of Christological significance already in the opening line of the Gospel: The beginning of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, The Son of God, as it was written in the prophet Isaiah. . .
Mark was concerned with Jesus' identity, the meaning of his person and work against a backdrop of the story of Israel, especially the proclamation of the prophet Isaiah. The message that Jesus proclaims is nothing less than "The Good News of God" Mark was concerned with God's intervention in history to bring to fruition the promise of Scripture and to inaugaurate God's reign and rule, his kingdom. So the Gospel of Mark is about God.
Marks view is that the ministry of Jesus cannot be understood apart from the cross.
The importance of discipleship; disciples rarely present themselves in any fashion that would invite emulation instead they show themselves to be concerned with issues of status and boundry drawing as those who have not banded together with Jesus. At the point of their travels together into Jerusalem their relationship with Jesus has deteriorated significantly. Mark shows us through the healing of the blind man that this healing takes on parabolic significance within the Gospel. Touched by Jesus, this blind man is able to see somewhat, but he mistakes human beings for walking trees. He requires further intervention on Jesus' part, just as the disciples will require more if they will be able to see clearly the nature of God's activity in the ministry of Jesus. Discipleship is organically related to Christology, Peter knows who Jesus is but misunderstands his divine destiny.
"The son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many."
The suffering of the church in history is intimately related to the birth pangs of the coming of God's dominion.
Zech 13:7 cited in Mark 14:27
Narrative of Mark in 3 discrete sections; the first 8:27-10:52 is bordered at the beginning and end by accounts of the healing of blind persons. Before the beginning of the journey, the blind man from Bethsaida is healed-from him we learn of the need of a second touch if genuine insite is to be achieved-end Bartimaeus both recieves his sight and joins Jesus "on the way".
The disciples too, require a second touch if they are to lose their fuzziness of perception and recieve eye-opening perceptiveness into Jesus' identity and the nature of discipleship. Through out the Gospel the followers have repeatedly fallen short in their own practices as disciples, how will the reader react to the message?Like the disciples did in fear, or will they embrace it with confidence and boldness and invite others to do the same.
Is 61:1 giving sight to the blind will mark his days
Is 35:5-6 then the eyes of the blind will be opened the ears of the deaf be cleared;
Is 29:18--Is42:7--Is 32:3 references to the blind,deaf,and lame
The little people of Mark's Gospel who exercise insight into Jesus true station and mission: The least, the lost and the left out; the woman who anoints his body for burial 14:3-9
Simon of Cyrene, who "takes up his cross" 15:21f
women who remain at the cross after the disciples have fled 15:40-41
These that belong to the company of others;
A gentile demoniac 5:19-20
an unclean woman 5:25-34
a syrophoenicain woman 7:24-30
roles that are relatively minor, yet who have flashes of insight that mark them as Jesus' true family 10:46-52
And then there is my favorite passage 10:51 Jesus said to him in reply "What do you want me to do for you?" the blind man replied to him, "Master, I want to see."
This is the crux of the whole text. I want to see. It doesn't get any better than for us to see the truth and know and understand it.
Unlike the first blind man who did not follow Jesus Bartimacus does immediately the bible says he sprang up. Sprand up! you can't get more immediate than that.
The healing of the deaf man in 7:31-37
7:33 he took him off by himself away from the crowd,he put his fingers into the man's ears and, spitting touched his tongue; 34 then he looked up to heaven ----
immediately the man's ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed.
My references for this material came from the following sources;
Introducing the New Testament; It's Literature and Theology by Paul J. Achtemeier, Joel B.Green, Marianne Meye Thompson
The New Jerome Biblial Commentary
New Testament reading Guide "The Gospel of Saint Mark" by Gerard S Sloyan
and the RSV Catholic Bible
I hope you enjoy what I have discovered and that it is as meaningful to you as it is to me.
Lord Jesus Open my eyes,ears,heart,and mouth to your word and let me proclaim it boldly and without fear. I ask this in your name.
May the Lord Bless us, Protect us from evil and bring us to everlasting life.
Amen

What does Feminism have to do with God

2006-08-30T21:26:00.000-06:00

As always I begin my blog with a prayer; Dear God, help me to understand my fellow human beings even if I do not agree with them. Amen
That was short and sweet but it speaks volumes. I was looking through the news paper the other day something that I almost never do and I saw an obit for a nun it ran on the top of the obit section and was a brief story about her life and accomplishments. Frankly I was disappointed that it did not speak of her humility or of her obedience as a religious. To be honest I wonder why she remained a nun at all when her whole focus was to change the church into what she wanted it to be. Sadly she is not alone many people think that they know better than the Pope or even Christ himself how the church should be run. I think they forget it isn't about us or me or I it is about God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. We learned in Biblical school that God took the time to set up the way the people were to worship and he provided detailed plans of how the worship space was to be built and who was to lead the worship for the people that the Jews were set apart from the pagans in that woman were not apart of leadership and worship ceremonies. There was a good reason for that and it was more than cultural. Times haven't changed all that much. We still have non-christian religions that honor the female far and above the creation of God that she is. I read once that woman was the closest to God in that she shared with him in creation. I beleive that God in his wisdom has created a plan for each of us humans and other creatures we are told it is a divine plan so why then do some of us deem it necessary to tell him what to do to exalt ourselves for to me that is what feminism is all about. Oh look at us poor down troden women the men are running every thing and we capable and smart and every bit as good as the men are left to be nothing more than baby incubators. Give me a break! Am I the only one who wonders what would have happened if Mary thought like a feminist? Or if she said,"Ok God I'll have the baby but..... No I shudder to think. On the feast day of Saint John the Baptist we should heed his words. I must deminish so he can increase. If Christ had wanted woman to be Priest he would have set things in motion after all as christians all are equal men and women are treated the same in God's eyes. Just because we do not understand God does not mean that we are being put down. Another case (I was going great guns and my computer glitched and I lost a lot of my thoughts) Not even the Pope believes he has the power to second guess God and change his will. Peter Creift(check spelling) a convert and defender of the faith once said that as Catholics we deliver the mail, Protestants edit it. I was taught that the Hebrews had a complicated way of worshiping God there were many rituals and in the book of Exodus we see that Moses is given clear directions on what to do and how to do it. Jesus did not abolish these things but rather he came to fulfill them. The first followers of Jesus were Jews just as he was they still went to the Synagogue to read and be read too from the scroll containing the first five books. We know that Jesus himself quoted Deuteromy more than any other book. They were drivin away but they did not change their habits we can see this in history because we can trace the origins of the Mass back to the first century.
Ok I just published two other posts one doesn't have anything to do with this one the other does. So I am just letting you have it all and I will await your comments.
Lord may my words be union with your will. As it is your will not mine. Amen
And that is why I believe Feminism has no place in our faith or our church.

2006-07-26T14:35:00.001-06:00

Dear Saint Monica, I ask you now for your assistance in the healing of Baby Dominic. I do not know this child nor do I think that I will ever meet him but he needs your intercession for healing. Please Saint Monica I implor you as a Mother, add your prayers to mine so Baby Dominic will experience the miracle he needs. Thank you with all my heart. Amen
It just came to my attention last night that a man with whom my husband works with has a 1 week old grandson with a rare skin disorder that causes a great deal of pain and suffering. His skin is so fragil that his body has to be kept wrapped so that it won't rub up against anything and cause an open wound. This effects the mouth and esophagus as well so that the child can not eat anything that is not liquid or soft and mushy. He will not outgrow this condition and could possibly die from it. I have been thinking about the suffering the parents are going through as well watching their child go through this and not be able to protect him. As a parent we try so hard to protect our children sometimes even when we should stop because they are too old for our protection but we do it because we are parents and we love them. I learned a long time ago that once my children were teenagers they were also out of my reach and I had to rely on the training and upbringing, what I had done right and what I had done wrong it was a scarey time. They for their part told me that they were making their own decisions and it had nothing to do with me. The experts were wrong about so many things. My children were and are good people and that guides their decisions more than anything. They make choices that I may not agree with or feel that it is the right thing to do, but I have come to accept the fact that, that is the way it is and I have no control over them. As a mother I am concerned but not worried. I discovered that worry did nothing but make me sick and miserable, and who needs that. I put it in God's hands and choose to pray for them rather than worry about them and it seems to go much better for the both of us. When my husband gets upset because I am not in control I just tell him that is the way things are and leave it at that. Now in the case of Baby Dominic his parents won't even have the luxury of being in a littl control because the disorder will control everyone. I can not imagen what it will be like for them to see him cry and know they can't even make it better. They will spend his life time just trying to make him comfortable.
Dad said that this morning when he was praying for the baby that he felt as if he was having a heart attack it hit him in his chest and spread up to his shoulders. He said he knew it wasn't because he felt the presence of Jesus so strong and it was coming from the healing cross that he wears around his neck. He told me that he felt he needed to go to the hosital and pray directly for the baby or over the baby if it was possible. I just felt a calming peace come over me while he was telling me his story. I believe him when he tells me things like this because he is a holy man and he feels so close to the Lord. I know he has the Spirit in him because once during a prayer meeting in the 70's he spoke in tongues. He doesn't remember but it is something I will not forget. Then as I was driving to my friends house I saw a church bill board that said "Some things have to be believed before they are seen." I felt like that was an answer to my prayer it just hit me that way. Then I felt calm and peaceful and very tired because it was such an emotional drain.
I left these thoughts for the time being because I did not have the emotional strength to finish them. At this time the baby is home and the parents are taking care of him the best that they can. I know that my prayer and the the prayers of others will be answered and over time the baby will get better. I believe it with my whole heart. So all I can say is Thank you Lord Jesus, Thank You.
So ends this thought.

Thoughts of Holy Week

2006-04-13T15:02:00.000-06:00

Let's start with a prayer: Come, let us worship Christ the Lord, who for our sake endured temtation and suffering. Amen

Well here I am again pouring out my mind in what I like to think of as my personal pensive. I am getting that from story that I won't name in case it is offensive to someone.
Someone gave me a cd set on a lenten journey but I could only get one to play so I haven't been able to unlock the secreats of the others yet. Someone else gave me a transcrpt of a lenten mission that they went to at their church and I read that and found it very enlightening, but the thing that has got my juices really flowing is what my biblical instructor told us at class last tuesday night. That is what I am thinking about now. We have been studing Ephesians and chapter 5 verse 21 is one of the most controversal because it tells us to be submissive to our husbands but a better translation would be to be subordinate. My instructor told us that Paul was speaking in some what military terms. In the sevice you have a chain of comand. This is necessary because without it there would be choas. So we also have in the church a chain of comand because that is the way Christ set it up and serves to keep us from choas. I know that a lot of us don't understand why this has to be but that is a topic for another time. Getting back to Paul, what was so exciting was the fact that he goes on to tell us that we are fighting a spiritual battle and we need to be united to win it hense the military lingo. The subordinate part is crucial because we as married people are representives of the model of Christ and the church. You have the model of Christ being the head of the chruch the church being the body right so we in marriage model this with the husband being like Christ at the head and the wife and children being the body. Actually this is a very beautiful image if one can drop the ego and see it the way God intended. The next part is so profound and beautiful that I think that if we really understood it from the beginning of our realationships we would enter marriage with a whole new outlook and our marriages would not end in divorce. Paul tells the husband to love his wife he is a model for Christ's love for the church then he tells the wife to let the husband love her. That's right by telling us to be subordinate he is really telling us to let the husband love us. Think about it. If we are always trying to be equals or being over baring and wanting control we are not allowing our spouses to love us they way that Christ is telling them too. The same is true with our relationship to the church if we are always fighting it always demanding to have our own way we are not allowing Christ to come to us because we are saying not now God not till you fix what I think is wrong with "The Church" then maybe we can talk about it once I have things the way I want them. We divorce ourselves from God in much the same way that we divorce ourselves from each other. Husband and wife, friend to friend, parent to child. Whatever our relationship we refuse to become the subordinate. When in reality if we become the subordinate and let the chain of comand happen we are free to be who God intended. And if we return the love that we are given measure for measure we start to understand the power of God's love for us. Now we are all human and not one of us is perfect but we can try to be just as the saints before us tried. It is in the struggle that we learn what to discard and what to hold dear.
My husband was one of those men that thought the world revolved around him. He was brought up that way so I expected it but not to the dregree that I experienced it. I spent a lot of time and energy tring to live up to his unreal expatations and you can imagen that their was a lot of conflict. I am speaking of this in past tense because over the last year he has had more than one revelation that has improved the quality of life for all of us me especially. Praise God! It isn't easy over coming your faimly of origin's behavior pattern even when you know that it is seriously flawed. It happened generations ago and no one even is aware of it because it is so ingrained in their make-up. That is the way it is with a lot of us becuase we never really understood the original plan that God had for us and having all the different religions only muddling things up doesn't help either.

I did not post this when I wrote it and I think that is because it goes so well with what I am trying to say today Wednesday, August 30 2006. So I am going to just put it out there as it is. Here goes

Thoughts on Saint Particks Day

2006-03-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Saint Monica followers if there are any. Well I know there is at least one beside myself, thank you Kris.
I usually start with a prayer but today I need a little help Let me see Psalm 103 Bless the Lord, O my soul;
and all my being, bless his holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits.
He pardons all your iniquities,
he heals all your ills.
He redeems your life form destruction,
he crowns you with kindness and compassion.
Amen

I was just thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I have done many things in my life and found some of them rewarding. I just don't know where it will lead me. I guess I am thinking in terms of success as the world understands it and not as success as God understands it. Isn't that the problem many people face? We always view our lives in the wrong terms and then become disallusioned and depressed because we don't meet the criteria. Especially when it comes to having a career and making money. I have always felt that I was a failure in this area and that I was less than I could be because I didn't fit the super mom mold. The world did not treasure being a stay at home mother as important instead it viewed it as a drain on society because I was not contributing to the economic structure of the system. So I worried about what I could do to add to the family income and how I could be a more productive member of society. I would worry day and night and I would feel more and more usless as time when on and I could not find a job that could pay me a living wage. My two years of college seem to count for nothing even though I had a degree. I wasn't much better off than someone with a GED or high school diploma. It was always frustrating to be turned down for a simple cashier job and watch it go to someone who wasn't even out of High School. Then to finally get a job only to be treated poorly and paid next to nothing. What was I doing wrong? Why was I hearing stories of people who found good jobs with hardly no skills and going places with the money they earned when I could have done those jobs as well as they and yet I never got one and even they could not figure out why. There was one time when a job did come up that I was well suited for and it was something I liked doing but my family obligations did not permit me to take it. The oppertunity never came up again. Sometimes I kick myself because I didn't try to work things out and go for it anyway, after all what was the harm in trying.
I am adding to this at a much latter date, it is June 26th and I am just getting back to the thoughts I started in March. A lot has happened in the time between now and then. One of my good friends and God sister Kris has been trying to help me find a job that I would be suited for. Bless her heart. And I do have my non-paying work which I find rewarding which is my storytelling and one of my great loves. My dream job would be where I could incorporate my storytelling into it, that would be wonderful. But in the mean time I will with the help of my friends still try and fit in and help to pay so of the bills that keep pileing up. In the mean time summer is here to be enjoyed so I am going to do my best to do that as well.
Oh before I go I have to tell you that my daughter who just graduated from high school got a job at Sears and we are very happy for her but they can not let her start until she is 18 which will be the first week in July. See noone believed me when I told them she was looking and could not get hired because she was not 18. People do not realize that the times have changed and unless you know someone or get a job through a school program or fall into some other special catagory you just have to wait. I was talking to another mother of a teenage boy who was going through the same thing so I felt vindicated. Can you believe that people thought I was making it up to cover up the fact that my daughter was lazy. Sometimes people without information can be so cruel, can't they. Now she can work on getting a car and going to Red Rocks Community College. Yea!
Now I can close with a prayer of thanksgiving.

Dear Lord, thank you for your many blessings that you have bestowed on my family. May we be ever mindful of the fact that they are blessings and that they come from you and not from anything that we have done. Thank you Lord for loving us so much.
Amen

2006-03-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Saint Monica,
Help me to be more deligent in my prayer life. Keep me mindful of the family members that need my prayers on a daily basis so that I do not become complacent and forget that if I don't pray my prayer can't be answered. Help me always to remember that your suffering lasted 30 years so I should not expect results over night. Give me patience to continue my prayers through the ups and downs of my life journey. I ask this in Jesus Name and your intercession. Amen

I have been thinking a lot about this blog but I have had nothing to say that would be of any spiritual help to anyone in months. I could copy things form my readings but to be honest nothing has struck a chord so to speak. So I have had a few dry months and if anyone out there has been looking for me I apoligize.

Then tonight, as I am looking through my e-mail I recieved one from a friend that I haven't been in touch for a while and it was about letting God change you. It was a devotional for women written by a separated brethren and it wasn't half bad. However, we Catholics have something that our protestant counter parts don't have and that is the grace of the the sacraments. I answered my friend with a few chosen words that I thought I would also like to post here. I pointed out to her that we as Catholics have been given much and that we should use what we have been given in the form of evanglization just as the late John Paul II said we should. Too many of us keep our talents in the church thinking that we are fulfilling our giving by doing various ministries at the Liturgy. while these duties are important they are not the end of what we should be doing. We should be living out our faith that is our vocation. We have the grace and means by which we can do this and we should not hide this talent under a rock and wait for somebody else to do it. We are all called to witness and proclaim the Good News but more then that we are called to be like the one we consume at the Mass we should be what we est. Jesus Christ or King Jesus as he is rightful called has mandated all of us to be just like him and do just like he did right down to the suffering and humility that we find so hard to imitate. To those that have much will be expected and to those that have little even what they have will be taken away. I use to think that this applied to monitary wealth but it doesn't. It is talking about our spiritual gifts. We as Catholics have been given much for we have the sacraments and I am thinking about the sacrament of Eucharist. If we truely understand this sacrament we have to become what we consume and that is the Body and Blood of the risen Lord. We should be one with Christ and take on all that entails. We should accept the gifts along with the suffering. We should see that there is a reason for everything that we go through in life and that everything has a purpose. We shouldn't ask to be released from it but to understand why it is, and what we can do with it. We should not seek to change but to be changed into that which we are partaking of. The sacrament of the Eucharist is the sacrament of seeing. Because the two disciples had their eyes opened when Jesus broke bread. Did you know that there are saints who when asked to give up the partaking of the breaking of the bread told their captors that they would rather die. That many did die because they celebrated the Eucharist and that every time the early church gathered they broke bread. Paul mentions it more than 12 times in the Acts of the Apostles. It was important enought to die for. So we should pray that our eyes are opened and that our hearts are changed that we become that which we consume in all ways with the gifts and the suffering.
And while we are at it this Lent and in the process of giving things up we should consider giving up our pride, selfishness, concite, and any other un Christ like behavior that we may have and keep giving it up for as long as we live. Now I would like to close with one of my favorite songs because it is a prayer. It is called Open My Eyes Lord
Open my eyes Lord, help me to see your face, open my eyes Lord, help me to see.
Open my ears Lord, help me to hear your voice, open my ears Lord, help me to hear.
Open my heart Lord, help me to love like you, open my heart Lord, help me to Love.
I live within you, deep in your heart oh Love, I live within you, rest now in me.
I have added a verse: Open my mouth Lord, help me to speak your word, open my mouth Lord help me to speak.
May the Lord Bless you and Keep you,
Peace, Joy, Love and Hope,
Your God-sister, Nancy

I am so happy to be back

2005-12-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

To all my Saint Monica Prayer Group if you are out there.
Lets start with a prayer: Dear Lord God of Heaven and Earth, help us today and everyday with our struggles and pain. May we always know that you are ever at our side and always within arms reach.

Well I have had quite an experience these last few months. I sent my computer away to be fixed and entered into a nightmare that has not ended yet. So I am on a borrowed machine and I am having trouble posting my blog. Just to let you know it's not that I haven't been writing its just that I can't get it to publish, so here I am again hopeing that this gets out there.

So many things have been called to my attention that need to be talked about I hardly know where to start.

As of late I have been breaking my own rule about going to daily Mass. I have been tired and not feeling all that well and I have found that it is taking me more engery and strength to just do the things that have to be done, like work, that my body just won't go when I want it to.

I have been trying to send out cards to those who I know are struggling with health issues and I am falling behind in my endever. I am trying to offer up a prayer when I am making my rosary beads to those that have asked me to pray for them but I don't always have time to sit and bead. I am still trying to work out how to get my son and his problems in tune with how my world should go. I know that sounds strange but if you have been following my thoughts since July then you have some idea of what I am talking about. I have been giving this a lot of thoght lately and I think that I feel better when I look at him as a blessing that noone can see instead of a burden that it felt. He has a lot of unusual qualities that can be over looked or misunderstood. Anyway my troubles are small and few and since I have lived with them for so long they don't seem all that important any more. When I talk about them it is only for the purpose of letting others understand that I am aware of heartache and hatetred, misunderstanding, and all the other baggage that comes into our lives.

A friend and fellow singer has been going through a really rough patch with her new baby granddaughter. The baby was born early and has been challanged with many health problems. I think about my friend and the child all the time. I send up little thought prayers though out the day asking God to lay his love on this baby and the family that loves her. I haven't heard how things are going in a while I can only leave it in God's care and know that he will be with them no matter what the outcome.

Another friend and fellow singer is going to undergo back surgery the first part of January. They are going to remove a tumor from her spine. They don't know what the tumor is yet so this is frightening to my friend it is taking all her faith and strength to be calm and give it to God. She is so peaceful and opptimistic that I have no doubt that she will handle it with grace and accept what God has given her.

Yet another friend and singer is not singing these days because she is having problems with her voice. I am not sure but I believe it has to do with illness that I don't have the specifics of at this time. I really miss her and want her to come back and sing with us a card is pending.

It has also come to my attention the problem of single parent homes in our communities. I was asking my daughter if she had any friends who were living with both natural parents. She had to think about it for a long time. She could think of three. Two of these friends I do not know there is only one that I know of out of at least thirty children. This to me is very sad. Also at the daycare that I work at I would say that 90% are single family or worse mixed family some married some just living together. It seems that adults are just living to make themselves happy and are under the delusion that if they are happy the kids will adjust and be happy as well. This is not the case. Children who have grown up in these circumstances don't know what a stable relationship is and the cycle continues and grows and spreads. How can anyone make sense of the big picture when the little picture has not taught them the right lessons. Families are suppose to be mico- settings of how the big world works they are suppose to nurture and develop the child and give them a sense of self and where they fit into things. How can it be nurturing if the parents only think of themselves and they do this because they weren't nurtured it is a vicous cycle. There are only a few cases where divorce was the only option all others could have healed and grown from the experience but it was just easier to give up and move on to greener pastures. We always think about the world at large and how it is so messed up when all we have to do is look at our oun communities and understand why.

Well these are just my thoughts and I don't claim to be an expert it is just the way I see things. I ask God to help me do my part to correct this mess in any way no matter how small that I can. We need to choose God not our own selfish desires and that as I see it is the last thing that most people want to do.

I will end with a verse from scripture: When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." Mt.9:36-38

Dear Saint Monica help us to learn from your example that it is best to leave our burdens and troubles with the Lord and not with ourselves.
Amen

More thoughts

2005-09-26T21:19:00.000-06:00

Dear St. Monica, Please give me strength to withstand the trials of my life. Help me to never loose sight of the Cross. Give me the courage to wait for my prayer to be answered as you waited. Help me to live by your example. I ask these things in Jesus' name.

There are a lot of storms going on in the world today. I am not speaking about the ones we can see but rather about the ones we can't see. I have met mothers who have lost children. It is hard for them to accept that burden but some how they do and go on with their lives. I admire them.
I am studying the Gospel of Matthew and I am at the story of Jesus walking out to the boat and at first the disciples think he is a ghost then Peter says Lord if it is really you call me to come to you. So the Lord says come and he gets out of the boat and starts walking on the water. Soon he becomes afraid of the waves and the wind and he starts to sink and he says Lord save me. The Lord says oh you of little faith why did you doubt. This isn't an exact translation. Anyway the question is what are the waves and wind in our lives that cause us to lose heart and faith? What is the secret to not sinking?
Well I have talked about some of the waves and wind in my life and sometimes they still blow in and wash me over board. As to the secret of not sinking I think for me it is simple. I can not take my eyes off the Cross, off Jesus, I can not stop praying. My life must mirror his if I am to survive. I think about all the people who have died in horrible ways knowing that what awaited them was greater than they could ever imagine. I am speaking about the Saints and those waiting to be called saints known as the Blesseds. Who do I run too? I run into the arms of Christ and bury my head in his embrace. When no one else is there for me I know he is. I sometimes sing a song that I heard in church once a long tome ago. It is called "Seek and Ye shall find" the verses go like this: Jesus come fill my hope again, Jesus come fill my soul, You're always standing there with your outstretched arms, I've been away too long.
The next verse is Heart in place of hope then Life then Love so there are four verses total. There is a part that the choir sings that is not in the book for the congratulation that goes something like: Knock and the door will be open, seek and you will find, I use this song as a prayer when I am really feeling down and it restores my soul. Another one that I like is called "Open My Eyes Lord". It goes something like this: Open my eyes Lord, Help me to see your face. Open my eyes Lord, help me to see. Open my ears Lord, Help me to hear your voice. Open my ears Lord, help me to hear. Open my heart Lord, Help me to love like you. Open my heart Lord help me to Love. I added a verse that goes; Open my mouth Lord, Help me to speak your word. Open my mouth Lord, Help me to speak. Then there is a refrain: I live within you, deep in your heart oh Love. I live within you, rest now in me.
If you like to sing and find these in your music issue they are easy to learn and so helpful when you just can't find the right words to pray.
This has been one of my harder days to endure. I'm not as strong as I would like to be. But it is such a blessing to know that I am not alone that those arms are never far away.
Well I guess I had better get my homework typed up and ready for class. I hope to one day hear from anyone who picks up on this blog, until then I will be hear plugging away trying to connect with anyone who needs it.

In closing I would like to leave you with these words from Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Joy is prayer; joy is strength; joy is love, a net of love by which you can catch souls. God loves a cheerful giver. He gives most who give with joy. If in the work you have difficulties and you accept them with joy, with a big smile--in this, as in any other good thing--they will see your good works and glorify the Father. The best way to show your gratitude to God and people is to accept everything with joy. A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love.

Prayers and more prayers

2005-08-16T21:04:00.000-06:00

Dear Lord, Help me to be the person you created me to be. Give me the grace of Your Love to strengthen my journey through this life. Help me to be a light for others to follow when they are in darkness. I ask this in Your Sons Name Jesus Christ. Amen

I wanted to share with you a meditation that came out of the publication called the Magnificat. I found it in the August Issue for Friday the 5th. It is by Father Walter J. Ciszek, S.J. who died in 1984. He was convicted of being a "Vatican Spy" in World War II and spent twenty- three years in Soviet prisons.
It is titled Following Jesus
Our primary responsibility, the main object of all our efforts, must be the transformation of ourselves, of our hearts and our lives. Insofar as we succeed at this, we promote the spreading of God's kingdom, for by doing this, we are at the same time disposing ourselves to help others and contribute even further to the spreading of the kingdom. What this means in the concrete is that each of us must faithfully fulfill the duties of our daily life. The circumstances and people that God each day presents to us through his providence offer us the opportunity to perform action after action in proof of our dedication to the kingdom. Whether we are married and taking care of home and family, or studying in school, or working in an office or a factory or on a farm, whether we are dedicated to the priestly or religious life, matters little - in whatever we do, we must always seek first the kingdom of God. That is, all of our actions of every day must be accepted as from God and referred back to him, must be done in a way that fulfills his will, for in this way alone is the kingdom of God promoted and spread upon earth.

I think this is beautiful and it is just what this blog is about what my life is about. Some times it is hard for people to accept that another person wants to help them, listen to them and be with them when they find it hard to be with themselves. I remember when I was in my darkness and I wanted to end my life because I felt so worthless but more than that I felt that I was alone abandoned. I found it hard to get up everyday and do the things that needed to be done for myself and my family. If I did not have a set routine it would have been easy for me to just go to bed and not get up. I still managed to go to church every Sunday and teach third grade religion because I had been doing it for a long time. But it made me realize that I had to practice what I taught so I had to fight my demons and win at any cost. I kept thinking that someone would find out that I was a fake that I was living a double life that I was a terrible person because of the things that were going on in my personal life. And Sunday after Sunday I kept hearing about how much God loved me and why he died for me and I kept repeating that in my class. This is how I fought back how I held on when every fiber of my being wanted to let go.
My friend Char told me a story about how when she went for her usual walk in the park she saw a young man who looked distressed and taking a chance she approached him and was astounded that he was surprised that someone cared enough to find out if he was ok. This encounter changed him and her. After she told me this story it was announced at daily Mass that there was to be a funeral for a young man who committed suicide. I can't help thinking if Char's encounter with her young man prevented him from taking this same action. How much it means to even say hello to someone, or extend a helping hand.
Persistence In Our Circumstances
Sometimes life is so hard! At times, it seems that there is no way out. It is as if an enormous wall has closed in on us. And we feel terribly sad and despairing. But why? Is it really so awful to live in this world? Does God perhaps not know everything? Isn't he perhaps all-powerful? Doesn't he have in his hands all the laws of nature and even all the hearts of people? Could anything in this universe take place without his permission? And could he permit something that is not for our own good, for the best? The fact is that even if we were given infinite intelligence and were able to understand all the universal causes and effects, we would prefer for ourselves only what God wants for us, because, since he is infinitely good, he wants and permits only what is useful to our greatest happiness in paradise. Why then are we sometimes so depressed? Because we do not see the relationship that exists between our happiness and these circumstances which sadden us; on the contrary, because of our minds' limitation (it has the size of...A cap or a hat), we are unable to grasp everything. Then, what should we do? We should trust in God! By having faith in God, even without understanding things directly, we can give him great glory, because we acknowledge his wisdom, his goodness, and his power. Therefore, let us have faith in God, and may our faith in him be boundless. We are confident that, by trying to do only his will, no real harm can happen to us, even if we lived in more troubled times than the current ones.
Saint Maximilian Colby;; This saint was martyrdom in Auschwitz

Some more great words to ponder from someone who knew. See I found a lot of people out there who could help in my situation but I was always praying for a human being that would give me the human touch. I think we need to feel Christ present not just have some one talk about him. There is so much beauty in this world if we just let ourselves be touched by it. This is often easier said than done but it is worth the effort. We are only limited by ourselves. Once we give ourselves to God wholly and completely there are no limits the Saints teach us that.

My burden is an on going one and I don't think it will be resolved in my life time. Many people feel this same way. I was talking to a woman who told me that her sister suffers from the same condition that my son has and she hasn't talked to her or seen her in twelve years. Some family members run into her from time to time and try to make contact but she remains disassociated from family and this causes her mother a lot of pain and heartache. We are never without it.
I feel bad that the last couple of days I have let my prayer life slip. I know this is an important part of my life and one I should not neglect but some days all I can manage are good intentions. I still struggle because I am still human and that is how it will always be.

I will close with the words of Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque
Every cross is precious to a heart that loves its God and wants to be loved by him.

Peace be with you always.

Today is the Feast day of Saint James

2005-07-25T23:26:00.000-06:00

Prayer to the Holy Spitit
Come Holy Spitit
fill my heart with you holy gifts.
Let My Weakness Be Penetrated With Your
strength this very day that I may fulfill all the
duties of my state conscientiously, that I may do what is right and just.
Let My Charity Be Such As To Offend No One
and hurt no one's feelings; so generous as to pardon sincerely any wrong done to me.
Assist Me, O Holy Spirit,
in all my trials of life, enlighten me in my ignorance, advise me in my doubts, strengthen me in my weakness, help me in all my needs, protect me in temptations and console me in afflictions.
Graciously Hear Me, O Holy Spirit,
and pour Your light into my heart, my soul and my mind.
Assist Me To Live A Holy Life And Grow In goodness and grace. Amen.
Fr.Larry Hess

I have been telling you the story of my son and our journey with his illness. I don't really like the term illness because I don't think of it as something that comes as an uninvited guest into your life like a cold or cancer. Whatever this is, it is apart of him that can no sooner be cut out than an internal organ. No it is not an illness any more than Down syndrom is an illness. My third child who is also a son was talking to me last night about the effect his brother has had on him in the past and in the present. He told me that he can understand him better than anyone that it has also been a gauge as to how he has come to understand the rest of the world and relate to people. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing it all depends on what kind of a mood he is in. I asked him if he thought his brother was getting better or if he was the same or worse. He said that it doesn't really change its just him isn't it always the same. He also added that he thought he had developed some of the traits of a schizophrenic because he had spent so much time with his brother over the years. I feel that way too I said. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real and what isn't. I'm not saying that he is contagious that would be absurd what I am saying is that all the time I spend in dealing with him sometimes I become confused between his reality and mine. He was telling me how he wanted to commit suicide when he was in middle-school and high-school and how he worked it out and got his life back on track. I asked him why he did not come and talk to me about what was going on? That I could have helped with some of it. He told me I had more than I could handle with his brother. I could feel my heart twist inside my chest to think that I could have lost a child and spent the rest of my life wondering what went wrong. But as he talked about why he wanted to die I heard a lot of self loathing and frustration that he didn't think anyone would understand or he didn't stop to think about what it would do to the rest of the family we were not a concern because he was so wrapped up in his own misery. How many times have I felt like that? How many times have I been so involved with my own pain that I could not see what it was doing to those around me? We talked until four am and then there was nothing left to say for the time being so we just said good night. This is not the first time I have had to digest this information from him and it won't be the last I just hope that I can be there again for him.
Remember Saint Monica
Come Holy Spirt, Come by means of your powerful intercessor the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
Amen.

Continuation

2005-07-14T22:13:00.000-06:00

Let's begin with a prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, watch over and guide our loved ones and ourselves as we go about the business of living. Ever mindful that we are not alone because you love us more than we can possibly imagine. Dear Father, you know our hearts and our minds may they always be in tune with you and not with this world. Let us keep in mind that we are holy because you created us and you are holy and so all that you create is also. Thank you Father for all you have done for us this day and all you continue to do for us. Amen

I was looking at my journal that I am currently writing in and like most of my journals I don't fill one before starting on another so some of them may have entries going back three years or more. The one I am speaking about now is like this and sometimes I will read what I had written to see how I have grown. The date is sometime in 2001 and I am writing about being alone and spending a lot of time in the house. I write that my older daughter is sugesting that I find an outside intrest possibly a job and I am upset because noone understands what I am going through and why just getting a job wouldn't do the trick. As it turns out I did get a job that only lasted a few months before the let me go for lack of business. Then I suprised myself and kept looking until I found another one that I kept for two years and only left for health reasons. Soon I will be starting yet another job when school begins in August. What i realized after reading my entry was that I was wallowing in self- pity and my daughter was right I needed to get out and do something. So here is to my oldest daughter.

My story is an on going process as I am sure all of yours are. Just when we think that we can stop and catch our breath we are faced with a new challange. I was writing about how lonely I felt because of my situation with my oldest son. How isolated I thought it made me and this is probably what caused my depression. However during all of this I never stopped going to Mass or stopped teaching Religious Education that I had started doing in 1977. I don't know what I would have done it had not been for the church and my faith. I have always found comfort in my religion even though it has been hard to understand how God could love me as much as the Priest said that he did and accept the eucharist knowing that it was pure love meant for me. Sometimes I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and at any minute I was going to fall and never get up again but the Love he had and still has for me did not let me do that.

My son had been abused by the school he was attending and looking back on it now I wish I had, had more information about home schooling because I would have done it in a heart beat. Even though I thought about it, my low self-esteem was getting in the way and I did not think I could undertake such challange. So there we were, teachers and students all trying to cause my child harm. It became so bad that by the time he was in second grade he was punishing himself. If a child saw him out on the playground and did not want him there he would tell my son that the teacher was mad at him. My son did not question this remark instead he would go back to the classroom and either put his head down on his desk or stand in the corner facing the wall. The teacher who found him this way did not understand how a child would come to punish himself simply on someone's word. There were a lot of similar incidents throughout his school years. It was in ninth grade that someone other than myself actually confirmed what I knew. It was at the end of the year and a boy in one of his classes who had been picking on him all year finially decided to fight my son. Well after eighth grade when someone broke his collar bone we had put him in Karate so he had confidence that I had not seen in him before. The story goes that during class the kid kept taunting my son to fight so right there in front of the teacher no less my son said,"Come on." The kid charged at him over a few rows of desks and all my son did was what he had been taught in karate class, he put out his hand so that the kid hit his open palm with his forehead and was sent reeling backward. Not understanding what had happened to him, he charged again and with the same result. By now one of the students had left the classroom to get help and someone stopped the boy who was still intent on doing harm. When I got the call I was as usual on my guard. What did he do this time? Yes I will speak to him. The same old stuff. But this call was different the counselor who spoke to me was quite upset at her discovery. It seems that after speaking to the students in the room she was convinced that my son was and had been socially abused. I was in a state of shock because I forgot to get her name a big mistake on my part as it was proof as to what I believed and what I had been telling anyone who would listen. Needless to say that without that name my husband still would not listen to me on the matter. It wasn't until our son was diagnosed that he began to see a pattern and decided that after all that time it was not me that was at fault.

Let's close with a prayer: Saint Monica you know what it is like to suffer at the hands of your own spouse. You know what it is like to see your child turn away from the faith and flounder in this life. Teach us how to have your strength and patience. Teach us how to rely on the power of prayer and the Love of the Lord to face each and every day. Amen

Remember always Saint Monica. God Bless

July 13th

2005-07-13T16:18:00.000-06:00

Where to begin? There is so much I would like to share that beginning is hard. Lets begin with a prayer that I found out on the web.
Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son not with wild threats but with prayerful cries to heaven. Intercede for all mothers in our day so that they may learn to draw their children to God. Teach them how to remain close to their children, even the prodigal sons and daughters who have sadly gone astray. Amen
At the age of eighteen my oldest son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. This was not a shock to me as you might think it would be. I was told that I was exhibiting unusual behavior toward the news. The reason for this was that I had known something was different about my child from the day he was born. Noone would listen to me they all said it was just first time mother syndrome. I have started to write down all the things that happened to try and make sense of everything. I even thought of writing a book so others would understand who he is today but it is in the process of becoming for now. The reason I am telling you all this is because that his behavior kept me in isolation. I believed that I could only associate with others if they did not know my son or they had not experienced what they might view as troubling to them after being with him. Let me put it this way he was one of those people whose behavior was not predictable or comprehensible and people especially other children felt uncomfortable sometimes even frightened around him. He was not dangerous nor did he do things that were bizarre. He just seemed to make them uneasy by staring or twitching he did not show any emotion and he watched people and sometimes copied their behavior but nothing that would scare anyone. Still the days he went to school I lived in dread of the phone. Other mothers would not let their children play with him and they did not like the idea of me babysitting because it meant exposure to him. This put me in a difficult possition since I was part of a babysitting C0-Op. My other children were viewed with suspicion until people realized they were not the same as their brother then they took pity on them and invited them out so they ended up spending a lot of time away from home. It became tiresome for them when they were asked endlessly how they could live with a brother like theirs As they came into their teen years they resented him so much that they did not want to bring friends into the house and they began to stay away more and more. Our fourth child is ten years younger than her brother so she was blissfully unaware of a lot of what had gone on before she was living like an only child especially since her other siblings were not around her that much. This was a lonely time for me as it was hard to make friends and I was not an outgoing personality at that time. I had noone to talk too since my mother had died when he was five and all she told me was that I was going to need more patience with him than with the others. Little did she know what an understatement that was. I had stopped worrying about what other people thought of me and had started praying for someone to talk and be with. My husband was away much of the time so he did not understand what it was like on a day to day basis nor did he want to believe that anything was wrong with his son he just thought that I was turning him into a mommies boy. It was during this time that I began to blame myself for what was wrong and this wasn't hard because the school was blaming me and family members were blaming me everyone was sure that some how even though my other children were fine I had and was messing up my oldest. When puberty hit his personality changed and that was when his religious education leader called me and told me that I needed to get him to a psychiatrist. After the doctor saw him and talked to him he asked me a series of questions and I discovered that he had all but one of the symptoms that the doctor was naming and the doctor turned to me and said he only needs five. It was at this time that I found out that my son was in the 3percent of schizophrenics that are born with it. His is more commonly known as a personality disorder called schizotypal (this may not be the correct spelling).
I am going to stop here for now if you have any comments on what I have said so far please feel free to express them.